Silent Suffering
by SparkleInTheSun
Summary: After a case she isn't the same person she was before,she's lost and she doesn't know who she is anymore. She thinks nobody cares, but it that true? Did they stop caring? Or was she the one who stopped caring? T for SelfHarm & Anorexia/Bulimia.PleaseRead!
1. Aftermath

**A/N **

**This may be a one shot, depending on your views on it =] **

**Just tell me what you think and if you think it should stay a one shot or continue into a story! **

**Would love to hear your views. **

She ran into the bathroom and looked around, her eyes wild with fear and panic. Crying, she closed the door behind her and slipped down, drawing her knees to her chest, her arms wrapped around herself, longing for the comfort she so often craved. She stared at the blank space in front of her, tears running heavily down her face. She would never let anyone see these tears, nobody was going to find out about her pain, she couldn't handle people knowing just how weak she actually was. They would look at her all the time, wondering when she was going to break, shatter into a thousand pieces, and never come back together again. She shook her head, she wouldn't let that happen. She was Agent Jareau, she was tough and nothing ever got to her, she wouldn't break down in front of anyone, nobody would ever know the real JJ, nobody would ever find out.

She finally sighs and stands up, walking over to the mirror, her hand shakes as she reaches out towards the face looking back at her. Her skin pale as snow, dark shadows surround her once blue eyes, now turning a dull Grey colour, her fingertips lightly danced along her protruding cheekbones and she smiles. She tries to convince herself that she is okay, she will be okay, even as she looks at the desperate, dying girl in the mirror, a mere shadow of her former self. The smile never reaches her eyes, it never does anymore, and she knows her friends and colleagues notice this, they see the colour of her eyes, and they know something is happening with her, all too scared to admit it to themselves.

She puts her hands down and shakes her head, looking at herself in the eyes, telling herself that she is right, this is the way you handle things, this is how you gain control of the mess that is your life.

Turning on the tap, all her movements almost robotic as she walks slowly over to the toilet, getting down on her knees and looking down into the porcelain bowl.

_'We need control of this big mess, this is your punishment and you will accept it.'_

Her whole body shakes as she hears that voice, the always present voice, telling her what to do, when to do it, how to do it... she wants to cry out for help, wants the voice to leave her alone once more, she wants to be in peace.

But this was her punishment for not protecting an innocent child, this was her punishment for letting some psycho shoot a small girl, this was her punishment for almost killing a child. She deserved every single bit of it, she didn't deserve help. Help was for victims, and she was not a victim, she was anything but.

She doesn't know what is right or wrong anymore, the voice inside her head clouds all the thoughts of work, her friends, her family. She doesn't even realize that the voice is wrong, she doesn't even remember the person she was before all of this, she convinces herself everyday that she doesn't want to remember that happy person she was not so long ago, but the truth is, she would give anything to be happy again.

She doesn't know who the person everyone seemed to love and care about so much is, she doesn't know where the person who would have never cared about menial things such as food and weight has gone. She has forgotten her, just like everyone else has. She has left her behind in a distant memory, and one day all she would be to her friends and family was just that – A fading memory.

When she is done she walks back over to the sink and splashes the cold water onto her face, looking up into the mirror, listening to the voice replaying in her head, telling her what everyone sees when they look at her, what everyone thinks of her. She tells herself that when she is told different to that voice, they are lying to her.. She is nothing, she is nobody. She would give nothing more than to fade into the background, wanting to forget everything who made her who she was, wanting to forget everyone who loved her and stared at her as she walked into work every single day, a little more fragile than the day before, a little thinner, quieter. She saw the look in their eyes when she walked past them, the look in their eyes which asked each other where their JJ had gone?

And she wanted nothing more than to scream out to them, she wanted to tell them that JJ was gone and she was never coming back because she was being punished for everything she had ever done wrong, every case she had rejected, every person that had died because of her. Everything.

_'Nobody is ever going to love you, just look at yourself, you're ugly, worthless and you hurt people. But I can help you, I can make sure you forget all the pain, I can help you forget everything and everyone who has ever hurt you, everyone who you have ever hurt. I am the only one who loves you, I am the one you should listen to' _

And she listens to that powerful voice, because she doesn't have anyone else to listen to. Nobody would ever be there for her, they had all given up on her as soon as they realized the self-destruct plan she was taking, they had detached themselves from the dying girl and now there was nobody left, nobody but that voice in her head, the one that felt so real, yet so far away...

Nobody is here to save her from herself, nobody – including herself – knows who she is anymore. She is just a shadow of her former self, disappearing more and more each day, until one day she would be nothing and then they would forget about her. It was easier this way, to just forget.

Where was the girl who would smile and laugh with her friends?

Where was the girl who would go out with her friends and stuff her face without a care in the world?

Where was the girl who never worried?

Where was she? Where did she go?

JJ knows the answers, this thing inside her, this thing that has consumed each and every part of her body, this thing that wrapped her in it's cold arms and made her feel safe, whispering comforting words into her ears and telling her that if she does as she is told then the punishments would be over, and there would be no more pain.

JJ only wanted to forget, she wanted to be numb. She wanted the pain to go away completely, and this thing gave her this. It took all the feelings away from her, sending them back to her when she did something wrong, when she went against the rules. The punishments come, she hasn't learned yet that they are going to keep on coming. She can't escape.

She sinks down to the floor as more tears find their way to her stinging eyes, dripping down her face, landing on the floor with a small drop. She can feel her whole body shaking as she wraps into herself as tight as she possibly can, how far can she take this? How far has she already gone? She has lost everyone she ever loved, anyone close to her has long gone. And for what?

Perfection? Starvation? Control?

Nothing?

She sighs and lays down onto the cold, bathroom floor, ignoring the stabbing pain in her chest and stomach as she closes her eyes. She puts her hand on her stomach as she lays on her side, counting each breath she takes, her body shaking with each exhaled breath. And for the first time in months, she ignores the voice telling her everything is going to be okay, the one telling her that there is no pain. But the pain takes over her whole body, burning at her insides, her whole body shaking as she tries to ignore the feeling. Biting her lip to stop herself from screaming out loud in pain.

Slowly, really slowly, she gets up. The pain shoots through her, burning every muscle, every bone, her body shakes with the pressure of standing up. Her head sways as she looks around the room, but she stands up against the wall, holding herself up. She moves over blindly to the sink, hoping the water will take away the burning pain away, she drinks some slowly, her eyes closed, no colour in her face. She looks at herself once more in the mirror, lifting up her shaking hands to touch her face, no longer knowing who she is looking at anymore.

"You deserve all the pain you get.." She whispers to herself. She wants to ignore the pain, she doesn't want to feel anything anymore, she wants it all to end. She stares at her reflection, gritting her teeth,

"You promised me you would take it all away, you said I wouldn't feel anything anymore. You lied!" She screams at herself, smashing the mirror with her clenched fist. And in that one moment, she hates herself more than she ever has before, she never thought it would be possible. But for the first time she hates herself for letting herself get like this, she hates herself for letting this become her life. She don't know how to control anything anymore, nothing is the same.

"I gave up everything for you." She cries as she sinks to the floor, wrapping her arms around herself, putting her head into her lap. The pain throbs, but she ignores it. She doesn't need the pain, she only needs somebody to hold her. She doesn't want to be like this anymore.

She sighs when she hears the voice in her head laugh, _"You can't ever get rid of me, you are so weak, so feeble." _She shakes her head and covers her ears, hoping it would help. _"Punish yourself for thinking such things, I want you to get up and get that razor. Do it now!" _It screams at her, she can't forget about it anymore, she can't think about anything else in that one moment. She gets up, no longer feeling the pain that once pinned her to the floor. Sometimes the only way to forget the pain is to cause more pain, she knew that better than anyone. She grabs the razor mechanically, not really thinking of anything else, only focusing on her skin and the razor about to make contact with it.

She stares at the dark, red blood dripping down her arm and she drops the razor to the floor, she stands there for a moment and looks at the blood. She takes one last look before she drops to the floor, she shakes her head and closes her eyes, hoping it will be the last time she ever sees this life. The life that has caused her so much pain and onliness, the life in which everyone she ever loved left her.

She wasn't she same girl anymore.

Nobody knew who she was and nobody wanted to stick around long enough to wait for her to ask for help.

Nobody seemed to care enough.

She shook her head and sighed, not opening her eyes, afraid that if she did then the dizziness would go away and she would be okay. She didn't want to be okay, she wanted to feel nothing, she wanted to be dead.

And that hurt more than anything else could.

The need.

The want.

The suffering.

She wanted to die.

Nothing else could hurt more than that.

And then she felt it, the warmth of someone else, wrapping their arms around her fragile, shaking, dying body and whispering words into her ears. She dares to open her eyes and looks at her person holding her in a tight embrace, shouting out orders to phone an ambulance.

"You care.." JJ whispers, trying to not close her eyes,

"I never stopped caring, none of us did. You're the only one who stopped caring baby girl." Garcia looked down at her best friend, tears falling down her face. Her best friend, the one who she had watched fade away for two whole months, the one who refused to talk to anyone, just sit in her office and do all the files she could. She girl who had somehow landed on the bathroom floor, blood dripping from her arm, her pale face, sick embedded into her blonde hair,

"You're going to be okay." Garcia looked up and smiled at her other best friend, Emily, as she held JJ's hand. The girl nodded and smiled a little,

"I don't wanna do this anymore, I want to be happy again." She whispered to them, looking over at the door of her bathroom, Reid was pale, Morgan seemed to be holding him up as he tried to look away from the scene before his eyes. And Hotch as on the phone, shouting down at them that he was FBI and if they didn't get there soon then he would have their butts on the line.

"Reid,she will be okay." Morgan whispered to the younger agent, trying not to look at the woman he considered his little sister laying on the floor, close to death.

"Was this what it felt like when you found me?" Reid couldn't stop looking at her, his eyes wide with fear, his breath quickened as he thought about the woman he loved, his best friend, how much pain she was in and how he didn't help her.

"I thought you were going to die..." Morgan whispered, looking down at the floor.

"Will she be okay?"

"I think we got here in time." Morgan nodded, looking over at Hotch,

"How did they know?" He nodded to the two women comforting JJ, tears running down their faces,

"They're close,when they said something was wrong they just knew... when she didn't answer the phone, they panicked and I am glad they did..." Morgan sighed, understanding the closeness people can have to each other, understanding how it felt to find your best friend laying there on the brink of death at their own doing.

"I just knew something was wrong with you..." Reid nodded,

"Love can be a strong thing, sometimes too strong."

"I don't love you man." Morgan backed up, grinning, his hands held up,

"I know, that's not what I meant, love can be different... friends can love each other..." Reid shook his head, not seeing the humor in the situation as he looked at her,

"Should I tell her that I love her?" He asked Morgan,

"You should, you may never get another chance.." Hotch said as he walked in between the two men, walking towards half his team. Reid knew he was right, Morgan nodded at him.

"Tell her, it may make her feel better." Reid smiled a little and walked over to her, wanting to let her know he was going to be there for her all the way through this. Wanting to hold her hand before the ambulance came, hoping it would be there soon for her sake.

He looked at her pale face and smiled,

"I love you..." He told her, confident for once, willing to tell the dying girl how he felt, wondering for every single moment after if she felt the same,

"I love you too." She lifted up a hand to his face and touched it gently, smiling lovingly, as he grabbed her hand and squeezed it, never breaking the eye contact they had. Watching as the familiar blue of her beautiful eyes slowly returned. Knowing she would be okay soon, it would all be over and she would be the JJ they all knew and loved. He couldn't hope for anything more. She was going to be okay and she loved him, maybe it would be a happy ending after all, he told himself as he watched the paramedics carry her away from him, safe into the arms of professionals who would help her like they had done him over a year ago.

JJ let go of his hand and closed her eyes, hoping for the first time in ages that she would be safe once more. Hoping her happy ending would come soon.


	2. 6 months earlier

"_But they whose guilt within their bosoms lie, imagine every eye beholds their blame." _

_William Shakespeare_

_**~ 6 months earlier ~**_

JJ looked around the room and shook her head, not knowing how she got there or why she was there. She closed her eyes and tried to think about the last thing she could remember before waking up,

_JJ was walking out of her car, trying to forget about the case they were working on at the moment. A six year old girl had gone missing, and there were no leads at the moment. They had no idea what the Unsub was doing to the small girl right then, they had no idea what was going to happen to her either, or what may have already happened. She closed her eyes at the thought of finding the girl in a lake somewhere, her accusing eyes, letting them know that they didn't fight for her hard enough. _

_The next thing she knew she was on the ground, her coffee and keys falling beside her as she smashed down on the pavement, letting the darkness overcome her. _

She opened her eyes again and sighed, not only had she let the girl down but her friends and team as well. She groaned loudly and stood up when she heard a door open, unsure of where it was and exactly what the Unsub would want with her.

"Nice to see you're awake, we can complete my family now." He grinned at her as JJ shook her head, not sure what to say or do, Melinda was still alive and that was all that mattered at that point. She would be able to protect her until the team found them – which she knew they would be able to. She wasn't going to give up on them, not yet.

"Follow me my darling," She shuddered a little, walking towards him, not sure whether to fight him or not, he was obviously delusional, maybe he had lost a wife and a child in some horrible crash, something that was his fault. A fire maybe?

She looked at him and frowned, deciding that obeying him was the best way to stay alive until her friends turned up,

"Jane is waiting for us." JJ looked at him confused, it taking only a moment to realize that he was talking about Melinda,

"It's supper time, you were ill so I let you rest for a while Emma." He smiled at her and lightly grabbed her hand as he led her up the stairs, JJ could feel tears about to fall down her face, it took everything to stop herself from letting them fall down her face.

"I am so glad you feel okay now." JJ nodded, thinking about her friends back home and wondering what they would do in her situation, would they play along?

"Thank you..." She whispered,

"You do feel okay don't you?" She nodded and did her best to smile, knowing he could turn on her or Melinda at any moment in time.

"A lot better thank you." He grinned, and led her into what she assumed to be the dining room, watching Melinda as she was sat down looking at a bowl of cereal in front of her. JJ smile gently at her, trying to make sure that the girl was okay, giving her the once over, noticing a small bruise on her neck that looked like a finger mark. She shuddered a little and then looked back over at the man who had taken them both, mistaking them both for the family he had lost.

"I made your favorite for supper." He said as he pulled out a chair for her, smiling as he sat down next to her and put his hand on top of hers, JJ nodded and looked down at the bowl of soup in front of her. She was hungry but how did she know he hadn't put anything in it?

"Eat up honey." She slowly picked up the spoon he had held out for her and looked at the soup in the bowl, choosing hunger and safety over the risk of spending the rest of the night drugged.

When they were done she took Melinda's hand and followed her 'husband' up the stairs towards a girls bedroom, that must have been his daughters Jane's when she was alive, or at least here.

"There we go darling, say goodnight to mummy and daddy now." He said kindly, kneeling down to the girls height and kissing her gently on the cheek, looking up at JJ expecting her to do the same. She sighed as she knelt down and looked into the scared girls eyes,

"I will get you out of here." She whispered into her ear before standing back up and taking the girls hand again and leading her into the pink bedroom, putting her on the bed and winking at her, putting her finger to her mouth telling her not to say anything about the man who had held them captive. Melinda nodded in understanding and tucked herself into the princess bedding and smiled at the woman she believed would keep her safe. JJ nodded at her and then walked back out of the room, trying to act like this was normal, trying her best to go along with the man she loathed but sympathized with.

"Come on." He put a hand on her back, leading her to another bedroom which she rightly assumed was theirs. She took a deep breath as he took her into the large walk in closet and told her he would leave her alone to pick out her night clothes, she grabbed the first thing she saw – the one that would cover her up the most – and walked out into the bathroom he had pointed out to her before.

She lay there that night, thinking about her best friends, her team, in their own beds probably worrying about her. She knew they would find her and Melinda, they were good at it, they would be able to do this. She smiled a little before closing her eyes and falling asleep in the arms of the man who held her here.


	3. Pain

"What happens when you become the main source of their pain?"

Eminem

~ Failing Her ~

It had been a whole week since JJ had woken up to her new 'family'. Seven whole days of waiting for her team to come and find them, but nobody came. She was left alone sometimes, in a small room, in the dark, wondering where they were. Thinking they had forgotten about her already.

He had never hurt her or Melinda, although she hated being here she was glad that it was this time she had been taken and not by any other Unsub they had faced such as Tobias. She closed her eyes and put her head on the wall, waiting for him to return and let her out of this room. She had no idea where Melinda was, hoping that she was locking in a room as well and not out there with him, alone.

She quickly gets up when the door opens, suddenly scared when she sees the look on her captors face, realizing that tonight she won't be as lucky as she has been. She notices the blood spotted on his shirt, and she wonders who's it is. Hoping he had a nose bleed or something and Melinda is okay.

"Dinner is ready." He says, never looking her in the eye as he grabs her arm roughly, pulling her towards the all too familiar dining room. JJ looks at Melinda, trying to see if she is hurt or not, breathing a sigh of relief when she realizes that she is okay.

"What happened to you?" She asks, as they both sit down and look at the meal in front of them.

"I hit someone."

"Why?"

"He was in my way." He shrugged, JJ could tell how angry he still was and looked towards Melinda, hoping she would realize as well. She nodded and looked down at the bowl in front of her, avoiding all eye contact with the man who could possibly hurt either of them tonight.

"How was your day?" JJ smiles at her 'husband', slowly putting a hand on top of his, hoping he would calm down – she had come to realize that it was best to play along with the game until her team figured it out -

"It was okay, busy.. yours?"

"It was good, I finished that book I have been reading." She looks over at Melinda, wondering what she could say to her,

"How was your day honey?"

"It was okay, I played with my toys." JJ nods at her, noticing his fists unclench as he finally calms down and relaxes. The rest of the meal is spent making small talk, trying to make sure he wouldn't hurt either of them that night.

~ .. ~

"Goodnight, I am going to get us out of here soon okay?" JJ whispers as she tucks the little girl into her bed, smiling down at her. Melinda nods and closes her eyes,

"Think of your mummy and daddy and everything will be okay, you will see them soon."

"We are her parents." She jumps when she hears a dark voice behind her, trying not to shake with fear, trying to make sure the tears don't fall, she turns around to face him.

"Sorry, I didn't mean to."

"I thought I could trust you!" JJ gasped in pain as he backhanded her across the face, sending her flying, she heard a crack as she hit the floor and tears ran down her face. This wasn't supposed to happen, she had managed to calm him down. She looked over at Melinda, she was sitting up in her bed, crying.

"Let's not do this in front of her." This got her a kick to the ribs, JJ bit her lip as she looked up at him – seeing the anger in his eyes as he leered towards the small girl.

"Jenny, help me." Melinda whispers, looking over at JJ, her eyes wide with fear as the man grabs her arm roughly, pulling her out of bed, making her land on the floor with a small thump.

"Leave her alone!" JJ screamed in pain as his fist met her face, she felt the blood fall down her face, hitting the floor in large drops.

"Jenny!" She could hear her scream as she tried to open her eyes and focus on the situation at hand, she had been trained to help people and all she could do was lay there and take the pain while listening to a little, helpless girl cry in pain.

She can hear crying, screaming, shouting, cracking, and then she slowly gets up, trying to open her swollen eyes.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" She finally manages to croak out, standing up, looking at the girl laying on the floor, bleeding and unconscious.

"What's it got to do with you?"

"She's only little, you bastard." She manages to gather up all her strength to throw herself onto him, ignoring the pain as her possibly broken wrist makes contact with his face.

Before she knows it she is back on the floor, next to Melinda.

"Bitches." He spits at her as he grabs her arm and drags her out of the room, slamming the door behind them and leaving Melinda in the dark, alone and bleeding.

"Take your clothes off!"

"Piss off." JJ mutters as she sits down on the bed, breathing deeply to stop the throbbing pain running through her whole body.

She remembers screaming as she feels him jump on her weak body. She remembers the tears running down her face. She remembers the darkness. And then nothing.

~ ..~

"We should have worked it out sooner." Morgan punched the wall, turning towards his friends.

"I know, he fits the profile so well. Why didn't we see it?" Emily looked sadly at the floor, her best friend was in surgery, along with a little girl who didn't deserve anything that happened to her that night.

"What do you think happened in there?"

"I have no idea, he must have snapped tonight. He might have figured out that we knew about him... I don't know." Hotch put his head in his hands, sighing deeply as he looked down at the floor.

Garcia just sat there, staring ahead looking at the blank wall, not saying a word as she thought about her best friend and all the things she had been through.

"It took us a week!" Morgan looked at them all,

"We could have had him so much sooner! We usually manage to get them, why didn't we do it?!"

"Morgan calm down." Reid sighs as he carries on pacing back and forth,

"Look, sorry we can't all be calm okay. But I don't know about you, but JJ is family to me and to see her like that, to know what he did to her," He turned around again, trying to hold back the tears as he punched the wall again.

"I hate hospitals." Garcia finally says, Emily nods,

"It's going to be okay, Melinda and JJ are going to be fine."

"Maybe.. but we have no idea what the emotional implications are going to be on both of them. JJ has been through so much, I don't know how she is going to be able to cope with such a thing, maybe Melinda will be able to get through it with her family but...." Reid stopped for a moment, knowing he wasn't helping the situation.

"I don't want any statistics, I don't want Doctor Reid here okay?!" Garcia stands up, looking him up and down,

"I want Spencer, JJ needs her Spence'," Reid nodded, gulping a little,

"I love her..." He finally says after a long silence between the group, they all look up at him, trying to look surprised,

"We knew that before you did man." Morgan grins at him, Emily just nods and smiles a little before looking back down at the ground.

"Are you here for Jennifer Jareau?"

"Yes, how is she?" Hotch stands up, holding out his hand for the doctor who had only just approached them,

"She is out of surgery, at the moment we have sedated her but she should be awake in a few hours."

"What is the damage?" Morgan asks,

"She has a few broken ribs, a broken nose, various abrasions all over her body, a broken wrist and she was raped..." Morgan nods, excusing himself as he runs to the bathroom, trying to calm himself down.

"Raped?" Emily repeats, standing up next to Garcia,

"It's going to take a lot for her to get through this, I recommend a psychologist..."

"Yes, that will be fine. We will send her to the bureau psychologist when she is out of hospital. Thank you."

"How is Melinda?" Garcia says as the woman turns around,

"She is also out of surgery, she is in a coma at the moment. Her parents are by her bedside, she has internal bleeding and until we do a CT Scan we can't determine if she has suffered brain damage yet, but unfortunatly it does look that way."

"Oh God.." Emily whispers, tears falling down her face. They all watch as the doctor walks away, leaving them on their own.

"How could someone do that to a little girl? How he hurt someone he thought was his daughter?"

"We need to find out what happened and JJ is the source for that, come on." Hotch sighed as he walked towards JJ's room, hoping she would manage to make it through this somehow.

"She is going to blame herself." Garcia whispers as they look through the large window at the fragile woman laying on the bed.

"I know, but we will help her with that,"

"How? How can we convince her that what happened to Melinda wasn't her fault? She is going to break Hotch, I know my baby girl, this is going to break her..." Garcia shook her head as she walked off, into JJ's room.

The team watched as she sat down, taking JJ's hand in her own, whispering words they couldn't hear from that side.

"She will be okay, we will make sure of it." Emily smiles at her boss as she follows Garcia in.

"We can only hope." Hotch whispers to himself, standing there, tears running down his face as he realizes how strong a family they have become.

~ .. ~

A/N Sorry if this is terrible!

It's like 1am in the morning,

It's my 17th birthday today =D

Happy birthday to me. :)

Thank you for reading

Hope you review

Love


	4. The Start

Disclaimer: I do not own anything to do with Criminal Minds, although I wish I did.

Guess what I would do if I did? =D

Kill Will, or make him into a mean man ;D

& then he would be of the scene

& then JJ would finally be free to get with Hotch!

Emily & Morgan would also be together

& I would also make the characters have something bad happen to them if I did own it..

I am for dark drama,as you may all be able to tell ;)

"So she starved and she starved, not just for attention."

Anon

~ The Start Of Everything ~

JJ looked around her home, she had only just got out of hospital after a week, it was good to be somewhere she felt safe for the first time in what seemed like ages. She smiled slightly as she walked into her own bedroom, her happiness suddenly gone when she thought about Melinda, she had promised to protect that little girl and she had failed so badly.

Her friends reminded her that it wasn't her fault that little Melinda was still in hospital, lying in a coma with only a small chance of pulling through. JJ shook her head and walked to the kitchen, frowning as she opened the fridge to see that Emily or Garcia had filled it up with fresh food while she was still in hospital.

She reached out slowly for the cheese, changing her mind as she held it in her hands. It didn't feel right anymore, that little girl may die and it was all her fault. She shook her head, tears in her eyes as she put the cheese back and nearly ran into her bedroom, curling up in a ball on her bed as tears ran down her face seeming like they would never stop.

She woke up again later that night, looking around the bedroom, scared for a moment that she was back with him, back in the place that she had come to call hell. She sighed, wiping away the tears from her eyes and getting out of bed once she realized where she was.

She found herself walking towards the kitchen, her hands shaking as she noticed that she hadn't eaten in over two days. She was surprised as the hunger finally hit her, it didn't hurt like it usually did, instead she found herself getting some sort of kick out of it. She smiled at herself as she walked past the mirror, grabbing a cup of coffee before turning back around into her bedroom.

She sat down on her bed, a book in her hands as she lay back down, her eyes gazing at the words on the page as she thought about her punishment for almost killing that little girl. This was a good enough punishment, she told herself. This was suitable, for now. She smiled again, looking back at her book, ignoring the sounds of her stomach grumbling before finally closing her eyes and letting the nightmares overtake her.

~ .. ~

A/N I know it's short but the next chapter will be longer

Don't forget to review!


	5. Punishments

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with Criminal Minds!

"My eyes died back that day, seeing the hurt I may have done."

~ Withdrawing ~

They started to notice something was wrong when she finally returned to work, she hadn't spoken to any of them in the whole month she had taken off and despite returning to work it didn't look like she was about to start talking to them any time soon.

She would walk past them, grabbing a coffee on her way to her office, bury herself in the case files there until she would come across one she wanted them to look at. Only then would she speak to them, telling them about the case, and even that was kept short. Even the press JJ they had seen so often changed, she would keep all press releases short, quickly rushing off after every single one.

It took them three months to realize what was going on, why she wouldn't talk to them, not even her best friend Garcia. They looked at each other every single time she walked past, realizing her face was increasingly pale, her clothes getting baggier by the day, the shadows under her eyes getting darker. None of them said anything though, they were too scared to admit it to themselves what was going on with her, they just kept an eye on her as she refused to eat anything for days on end during cases, sighing when she said no to a night out with them all.

JJ didn't care about the looks she was getting, trying to convince herself that none of them cared about her anyway. She walked into her office, like she did every single day and sighed, knowing that one of these days they would try and talk to her about her, asking if she needed to see the psychologist. She knew if they said anything she would end up breaking, which is why she avoided looking any of them in the eye, hoping they would get the hint and leave her alone.

She still noticed the looks she got though, she knew she was losing weight but the thought of food, of taking care of herself, made her feel sick. She couldn't be okay, she shouldn't be gorging herself on foods while the little girl who was her responsibility, the little girl she had promised would be okay. She couldn't sleep without being haunted by her face, she couldn't think without thinking about her, she couldn't do anything any more.

She waited for the day someone would ask her about it but it never came, only confirming her own thoughts that nobody cared about her. She looked down at her legs, trying to think of someone else other than innocent, little Melinda. The very thought brought tears to her eyes, it had been three months and there she was, still in hospital, still laying in a coma.

But here she was, still alive, still walking, still able to breathe for herself – if anything hurt more than living it was knowing that it should be the other way around. JJ should be laying in that hospital bed while Melinda lived her own life happily. Nothing could hurt more than that.

She sighed, wishing she could go back in time and make sure it didn't happen. Trying to think about what she could have done differently, something she could have changed to make sure the small girl wasn't laying in a hospital bed right now. No matter how hard she tried she couldn't think of anything, but she knew there had to be something.

She knew it was her fault.

Melinda could die, and if she did then JJ already knew what she was going to do.

There was no way she could live knowing Melinda had died. There was no way she could carry on living like this anyway. She knew it would all have to end soon, the punishment would have to end soon.


	6. Collapsing

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, or any of the characters involved in the show.

"& starving hurts the soul when you're hungry for some love."

~ Collapsing ~

She looked down at the scales, frowning at the numbers that jumped out at her, she kept repeating it to herself, 76lbs. She shook her head, looking in the mirror, it was six months now, a whole six months and where was Melinda? Still in the hospital, still laying in a coma. And where was she? Living her life, trying to pretend that everything is normal even though she is clinging onto life as tight as she can, not really wanting to die.

She sighed, wondering when she had become this person, knowing it was never about weight, it was just about punishment but now she couldn't stop. She hated this, she hated living like this, she hated everything about it.

She knew that people stared at her as the walked into the office, shaking their hands, wondering what had become of their best friend, their beloved media liaison. She could see the confusion in their eyes as they watched her waste away in front of them, she could see them longing to say something but being too scared to when they saw the look on her face that told them to not go there, to leave her alone.

That morning was just like any other morning, she walked into work, she ignored everyone as she went up to her office, she found their next case. She took it to Hotch, slammed it on his desk, avoiding eye contact and walked back out – it had been routine for the both of them for six months. But this time something was different, and he knew it as well.

"Agent Jareau." He finally spoke up as she went to walk out of the door, wincing at the name, this is what it had come to, there was no more 'JJ', she no longer called him Hotch, always Agent Hotchner, so he gave up in the end.

"Agent Hotchner." She sighed as she turned around,

"I need you to sit down..." She rolled her eyes, moving slowly towards the seat in front of his desk, watching him carefully with her eyes as he moved across the room,

"We miss you..." He whispered, almost blushing at his own admittance, he hadn't meant to sound so weak, so silly but it was the only way they had decided would get through to her.

"We all tried to leave you alone, thinking that it would be something you would be able to get past, and then when we tried to help you, you pushed everyone away and now we're not taking it any more. We need you back, we miss you so much." She shook her head, he noticed the tears making their way down her ghostly white face,

"Let us help you..."

"I don't need help." He sighed as she remained stubborn,

"Well then I recommend you go home, make an appointment with a psychologist, and I don't want to see you back here for a while." He hadn't meant for it to come out so harsh but it was the only way they could help her, he knew that now,

"You want me to go?" She whispered, looking down at the floor as more tears fell down her cheeks, hitting the carpet lightly, Hotch nodded, sighing loudly as he went to sit down at his desk,

"You're not doing your job, you don't talk to anyone, you are rude to others when we go on a case, you're not doing yourself any good by being here."

"But this is all I have..." She looked up at him,

"We need someone who can do their job, I suggest you go pack your stuff now and we will have a consult in six months."

"But.."

"No buts, we asked you if you wanted our help, you said no, so this way is better for all of us. Don't you realize how much it hurts to see you coming into this office every morning, just look at yourself!" Hotch stood up again, his hand slamming down on the desk causing JJ to jump and look up at him,

"You're wasting away right in front of us and no matter how much we try to help you push us away, so yes I am sending you away and I will not be seeing you for the next six months, maybe more, that all depends on you. Just go!" She nodded, making her way out of his office as quickly as she could, trying to hide the tears falling down her face as she made her way into her office, stuffing stuff into a box and walking out, keeping her head down so she wouldn't have to look at the people she had hurt so much.

~ .. ~

"You told her?" Emily asked, watching JJ walk away and looking up at Hotch as he walked out of his office,

"I had no choice, I gave her a last chance and she refused help so I had to think of something else." He sighed, running his fingers through his hair as he looked at the remains of his time, the past six months had shown what a family they were. Everyone had been keeping their eye on JJ, all of them depressed by the shell that was left of their friend after her kidnapping.

"She is punishing herself, isn't she?" Reid finally spoke up,

"For what?" Morgan shook his head, wanting to punch a wall or anything he could get his hands on.

"Melinda..." Emily whispered, her eyes wide as they all realized what had made JJ react the way she had.

"She is still in a coma and JJ thinks it's her fault.." Reid concluded, shaking his head, wondering if his drug addiction had ever been this bad.

"We need to go to her house." They all nodded, Morgan running off to grab Garcia before walking out of the building,

"I have a bad feeling." Emily whispered to Hotch, biting her lip as he nodded at her, with a look that told her that he had the same feeling.

~ .. ~

JJ looked around her house, putting the box down, more tears falling down her face as she realized she had nothing left. There were no friends, no job, nothing to get out of bed for, nobody...

She sighed, running to the bathroom, knowing that it was time.

**A/N This chapter then links back to Chapter One, which I will need your help with. I am either going to skip it, or do the same chapter but in JJ's point of view and then the teams point of view when they find her. **

**Let me know which one you want to see! **

**Review! **


	7. Love and Hope

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds, but a girl can always dream

"Pain is my only zen of fun."

~ JJ's Point Of View ~

I ran into the bathroom, looking around the room, I had lost everything and everyone I had ever loved. Now what do I have? Nothing that's what.

Tears run down my face as I can feel myself panic, closing the door behind me and sliding the door. I curl up as tight as I can, trying to focus on something to stop the pain in my chest. I can't take any of this any more, I just want Melinda to be okay, I just want to be okay again.

I look ahead of me, focusing on the distant memory of me before all of this happened, tears ran heavily down my face as I thought about how much I had changed, how much I had lost – in more ways than one.

I can't cry in front of anyone, I never have been able to and this hasn't changed that fact. Nobody is allowed to find out about my pathetic pain, I mean nothing to anyone, not even myself. I may as well have hurt that poor, helpless child myself, maybe the pain of that would be easier than this – knowing I could have protected her but I didn't.

I can see the way everyone looks at me now, waiting for me to finally break down and cry, but it's never going to happen. Nobody sees the strong agent I once was, I don't even know who she was any more, everything has changed so much.

I bite my lip as I stand up, trying to steady myself against the wall. Sighing, I walk over to the mirror and stare at the woman looking back at me – Who is she? Not even I know. I stare into her eyes, trying to figure out how to be okay again, reaching out to touch the face in the mirror, lightly tracing her cheekbones. I sigh as I let my hand drop and see what I have become, not even a shadow of my former self.

My usually pale skin is now snow white, I look as though I haven't had an ounce of sleep in too long – which is true. I remember my sharp blue eyes that once looked back at me, now a dull, grey colour, reflecting my mood perfectly. I smile at myself, if I can smile then I am okay. Even I can see the smile doesn't reach my eyes any more, and I know everyone else has seen it too. They all know what is happening to me, it's like Reid with his drug addiction – we all knew, but we were too scared to say anything. Now here I am, with an addiction of my own.

I shake my head, this is the way I handle things, that was his way and this is mine. His addiction was worth something though, he is loved, he is amazing, and I am nothing. I am nobody. His pain was real and mine... mine is just a numb feeling I get every now and again, a throbbing feeling that tells me that I have to do this because I deserve to be punished. This isn't pain, this is guilt. I am fine though, even if it takes me a while to convince myself of that much, I am fine. This is my way of gaining all that control that man took away from me.

I slowly move my hands towards the tap, turning it on, an almost automatic reaction to what I am about to do even though I know nobody is here to hear what I am going to do. I walk over to the toilet, my hands shaking with fear, I have done this so many times but it never seems to get any less scary than the first time. I get down on my knees, and look down, watching as my tears fall down into the water at the bottom of the porcelain bowl.

_'We need control of this big mess, this is your punishment and you will accept it.' _

I silently agree with the voice, she is always there to help me though this, I have no choice but to listen to her every word – she is all I have left. But then there is that nagging feeling of crying out for help, telling someone how much I want to die, how much I need to be okay again. I want the voice to go away, even if she is my only friend, I want to be in peace for the first time in ages, I want to be alone.

But this is my punishment for not saving a small child, this was my punishment for letting her lay in a coma, my punishment for almost killing a child. I deserve all of this, I know it and the voice knows it, even the JJ that I once was knows it. I don't deserve help, victims deserve help and I am not a victim, I am anything but.

I would give anything to be happy again, I just want to be able to smile properly, I want to run up to Reid and wrap my arms around him and let him know that I love him more than I have loved anyone else in my life. I want to speak to Garcia and Emily again, I want to laugh, I want to do so much with my life but I don't know how to any more. I don't even know who I am. Those memories I have of the old me are just fading memories, almost as though I am thinking about someone else, a different JJ that I have just created in my head. Someone I would give anything to be again.

I look down at the bowl once more when I am done and flush the toilet, standing up to walk over to sink, splashing the cold water on my face, glad to be able to feel something. I look in the mirror, listening to the voice in my head. I just want to fade into the background, maybe now I can, maybe I can finally leave this life and be the old JJ I remember.

I can see the look in everyone's eyes as I walk into that office every single day, they watch me carefully, wondering when I am going to collapse, when I am going to break down and ask for help. They see me a little thinner, more distant than the day before. I see them look at each other, the look on their faces as they look at each other and ask themselves the same question I ask myself every single day, where was the old JJ gone?

And if I am honest, I want nothing more than to scream out to them, tell them that she was gone and she is never going to come back no matter how much everyone wants her there. I want to shout at them and let them know that the JJ they all love so much was being punished for everything she had ever done wrong – I was being punished for everything I have ever done wrong, every single case I rejected, every person that had died because of me, because of her.

_Nobody is ever going to love you, just look at yourself, you're ugly, worthless and you hurt people. But I can help you, I can make you forget all the pain, I can help you forget everything and everyone who has ever hurt you, everyone who you have ever hurt. I am the only one who loves you, I am the one you should listen to. _

I listen to that voice, I don't have anyone else to listen to now. Hotch's eyes told me that, he was so disappointed in me, I think he has given up on me before I even have. Now nobody is ever going to help me, nobody is ever going to care. Everyone detached themselves from me when they realized what I was doing, not wanting to be hurt when I finally got to this point and who can blame them? I have done the same to them.

I am a mere shadow of my former self, watch me disappear day by day, watch me fall. One day I will be nothing, and then everyone will forget about me – they probably already have. It's easier to just forget.

I sigh, where was JJ? Where did she go? I want her back just as much as everyone else does, I don't know how to any more though. I don't know what to do.

I bite my lip, knowing the answer deep down, this thing inside of me took me in it's cold arms and offered me some comfort and I let it, it took the old JJ from me then and left me like this, an empty shell with nowhere to go and nobody to turn to. I only want to forget, forget the pain, forget this life, everything. I want to feel nothing, no pain any more. I can't escape this life any more..

I find myself sinking down to the floor again, tears falling down my face, landing on the floor in large drops. I look at them oddly, wondering if this was going to be the end at twenty six. My whole body shakes with the pain of just being her now, I don't even know how much more I can take, how much further I can go.

I have lost everyone and everything for what? Starvation? Control? Nothing?

I lay down slowly, almost smiling as my head hits the cold bathroom floor, trying to ignore the constant, stabbing pain in my chest and stomach. My hand moves to my stomach, and I count each and every breath I take, just to remind myself that I am still alive. For now. My body shakes with every exhaled breath and I know this is going to be the end. The pain burns inside of me, almost unbearable, my body shakes as I try to hold back the pain, pretend it's not there. I bite my lip to stop myself from screaming as tears slide down my cheeks.

I know I have to get up and take something to stop it, do something to make it all stop. I get up slowly, wincing as the pain sears through every bone in my body. My head sways as I look around the room, grabbing onto the wall for support, not wanting to land on the floor again. I move blindly over to the sink, maybe the water will ease the pain for a little while. I drink a little slowly, feeling it drop down my throat, easing the burning for a little while at least.

I look at myself once more in the mirror, touching my face as I realize that I don't even know who I am now. I don't know anything any more.

"You deserve all the pain you get..." I whisper to myself, hoping saying the words out loud would help my body just deal with it, I stare at the reflection, gritting my teeth as the anger suddenly surges through me,

"You promised me you would take it all away, you said I wouldn't feel anything any more. You lied!" I scream at myself, my words aimed for the voice in my head, the lying voice that promised she could protect me. Before I know it my fist makes contact with the mirror, smashing it easily. I look down at my hand in shock, the blood dripping down oddly making me feel better.

And then in that one moment, I hate myself more than I ever have before. I hate what I have let myself become, I hate my reflection, I hate that voice, I hate myself for letting this consume my whole life.

"I gave up everything for you.." I whisper, sinking to the floor, wrapping my arms around myself and putting my head on my knees as I try to think straight. The pain throbs through my whole body but I disregard it, it's not important right now. I don't need the pain, I need someone to be here and hold me, tell me that it wasn't my fault, let me know that I am going to be okay. I don't want to be like this any more, I want old JJ back. I want happiness back.

I realize it's not going to happen though when I hear that voice laughing at me, '_you can't get rid of me, you are so weak, so feeble' _I shake my head, covering my ears as though it's going to stop her. _'Punish yourself for thinking such things, I want you to get up and get that razor. Do it now!' _I remove my hands from my ears as I hear the screams, I can't think about anything else now. I know she is right, I know this is something I have to do. I get up, no longer feeling the pain that had just had me pinned to the floor. Sometimes the only way to forget about the pain is to make more pain, I know that better than most people.

I grab the razor, looking at it as I focus on that before putting it to my skin, staring at the dark, red blood that soon starts to drop from my wrist. I hear the razor drop to the floor as I just stand there for a moment and stare at the blood, and the next thing I know I am laying on the floor, waiting for the darkness to come and take me away from this thing I call a life. I close my eyes, hoping that I will never have to open them again.

I am not the same person any more. I don't even know who I am, and nobody cares anyway. I can feel my eyes willing themselves to open, longing to stay alive but I close them tight shut, not sure I can take much more of this life. Maybe if I open my eyes then the feeling will go away and I will be okay again, only to replay this until the day my eyes refuse to open. I don't want to be okay, I want to feel nothing, I want to be dead.

And if I think about it, nothing hurts more than that.

The need.

The want.

The suffering.

I want to die, and nothing else could hurt more than that feeling.

My eyes shoot open as I feel someone wrap their arms around me, the sudden feeling of warmth from someone else making my depression suddenly disappear. I can hear someone but they are too far away, they are too quiet, I look up at the person, trying to place the face. Looking up at the woman I had once called my best friend – Garcia.

"You care.." Is all I can say, my voice almost unrecognisable, I do everything to make sure I don't close my eyes then, suddenly all feelings of death go away, somebody cares and surely that is something to live for?

"I never stopped caring, none of us did. You're the only one who stopped caring baby girl." I look into her eyes, watching the tears fall from her face. My best friend, the one I hadn't spoke to in six months. The once happy JJ, was now replaced with me; a crying, pale faced, bleeding woman laying on her own bathroom floor.

"You're going to be okay." She looked up, and for the first time I noticed the other people in the room, Emily ran to my side, grabbing my hand in hers and squeezing it tight to let me know she cared as well. I smiled as best I could manage right then,

"I don't want to do this any more, I want to be happy again." I whisper, lifting my head up a little to look at the bathroom door, noticing Reid, Morgan and Hotch. I smiled at the sight of the man I loved more than anything, his face pale as he watched me intently, trying to decide whether to stay rooted to that spot or run over to me and tell me everything is going to be fine. Morgan appeared to be supporting Reid, as he tried to look away from me, the pain evident in his eyes. I guess I brought up the dark memories of when he found Reid after his overdose almost two years ago now.

I could just hear Hotch shouting down the phone, telling them that he was FBI and if they didn't come soon then their asses would be on the line. I watched Morgan whisper something to Reid as our eyes met. They spoke for a little while and I turned back to Garcia, trying to focus on her instead of the darkness trying to overcome me.

I felt someone leave me side and someone else replace her, looking at him and smiling. He grabbed my hand gently, looking down at me and smiling as tears ran down his own pale face.

"I love you.." He sounded confident for the first time in a long time, I smiled back at him, taking all my energy to lift up a hand on put it on his face. We never broke the eye contact we had, never wanting to let go of this moment.

I dropped my hand as paramedics rushed in, hoping for a happy ending to this chapter in my life. I felt his hand hold onto mine as I was lifted up, hardly feeling anything else. I finally let go of his hand as the darkness finally gets the best of me, forcing me to close my eyes, for the first time leaving me to hope that it wouldn't be the last time I saw this life.


	8. The Team

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

"Well content loves the silence, it thrives in the dark."

~ Garcia ~

"She won't answer her phone." I look at Emily, wondering what we should do next. My baby girl needs our help and I have no idea how to do that.

"Something is wrong." Emily took a deep breath as the team walked to their cars,

"We need to go over to her house." I nodded, climbing into the car with her and Reid as Hotch, Rossi and Morgan ran over to Morgan's car.

"I can be there in ten minutes if I hit the gas." Emily looked at me, we both knew something was wrong with our best friend. I wish I had said something earlier, but just like we did with Reid, we pretended that nothing was wrong with her, you would think we would learn from our mistakes.

I ran out of the car as soon as it stopped, knowing that my friends weren't far behind me. I was the first to the door, banging on it and shouting JJ's name as loud as I could.

"Step back." Morgan finally said, pushing me back towards Emily and Reid, kicking the door down with one swift movement and running in.

"Check her bedroom, I will check her bathroom." I said to him, knowing my way around JJ's house like the back of my hand as I ran to the bathroom. I screamed loudly when I saw the blood, and then the small, pale woman in the middle of the pool. I cried out for Emily, not wanting to be alone when I went towards her.

Slowly I walked up to her, my hands shaking as I saw how ghostly she looked, when I saw the amount of blood dripping from a large cut on her wrist. I nodded at Emily who ran to the door, shouting for one of the guys to grab a towel. I watched as she ran back up to us as I took JJ in my arms, my heart slowing down when she slowly opened her eyes. I smiled down at her, knowing my tears wouldn't do her any good right now. I can hear Hotch shouting into his phone for an ambulance as I try to focus on the woman dying in my arms.

"You care.." She whispered, looking up at me as she struggled to keep her eyes open and focused on me. I nod, trying to think of the best thing to say,

"I never stopped caring, none of us did. You're the only one who stopped caring baby girl." I look down at her, failing badly as tears finally fell down my face. My best friend lay in my arms, so fragile and tiny, the one who had refused to speak to me or anyone else for so long. The one who I had let get this far. My best friend had somehow landed on the bathroom floor, about to die, with blood dripping heavily down her arm and sick embedded in her hair. I shake my head, not believing what the strong JJ has become, not my girl. I sit back every day and help the team with my amazing computer skills, never thinking that I could be in danger but yet, here I am, after my second friend had been kidnapped and reacted like this. Danger is all around us, even when we don't know it.

~ Emily ~

I run to the bathroom as soon as I heard Garcia's scream, I know already what has happened, I knew it was only a matter of time before we found her, or before we got the call telling us. I should have known this would be it, this was the bad feeling.

I stare from the doorway for a moment, the difference between the strong Agent Jareau and the girl bleeding on the floor evident straight away. I shake my head as I stare at her wrist, running into the hallway to tell the guys to grab a towel. I need to stop the bleeding somehow, I need to make sure she is okay. We should have helped her so much sooner. It should have have got this far.

I grab a towel from Morgan as he looks in the bathroom, the shock on his face as he stares at the woman he considers to be his younger sister. I shake my head, refusing to cry as I walk up to her, lifting up her bleeding wrist and tightly wrapping the towel around the cut, wrapping my hand around it as well to make sure it stops soon.

I watch as Garcia tells her we never stopped caring, I can see how it must have seemed that way but how can you help someone who doesn't want any help? How can you help someone who won't admit there is a problem in the first place?

This is wrong though, this should never have happened, she never should have gotten this far into her depression. We should have done something about it instead of waiting for her to crack. This wasn't supposed to happen.

~ Hotch ~

I run around the corner from the spare bedroom as soon as I hear Garcia's scream. I stop as soon as I get to the bathroom door, shaking my head as I see one of my team, one of my family, laying on the floor close to death. Quickly, I grab my phone and dial 911. I can't think straight, I just want her to be okay. I should have made sure she was okay, I shouldn't have let her do this to herself. She never should have blamed herself.

"Ambulance as soon as possible please." I shout desperately into the phone, trying to hold back any tears that may fall in front of my team,

"No, I need one now! She is going to die, and if you don't get someone here within the next two minutes I am the FBI and I will have your butts on the line!" I grab my head in frustration at the phone, wishing for once that they would just come quicker.

"Someone will be there soon sir, can you tell me what has happened?"

"Does it matter? She is bleeding a lot and I don't know how to help her, I just need someone here soon."

"Okay sir, help is on it's..." I don't even wait for her to finish, slamming my phone down after hanging up and walking closer into the bathroom. I look around, wondering if she took any pills as well. I shake my head when I notice there is nothing scattered, just a blade covered in blood on the floor. I sigh, shaking my head as I think about the second of my agents who have gone too far after the job got to them. How many more would I have to lose?

~ Morgan ~

I knew what she had done, I knew as soon as I entered the house. I had that feeling from the time I found Reid, it was the worst feeling ever and now another one of my best friends, the woman I considered to be my little sister, was laying on the floor, bleeding and I never even tried to help her. None of us did.

I shake my head,wishing that Reid wasn't here to see this. I know how he feels about her, I know what he thinks about every time he sees her now, I know he sees himself in her.

I grab Reid quickly as he stumbles into the view of the bathroom, his face immediately paling at the sight of the woman he loves laying there on the floor. I shake my head, watching as she tilts her head slightly up to look at us, slightly blushing as she realizes we have caught her. I can't even stand to watch her like this, turning my head away from the whole scene wishing it was just a nightmare.

"She will be okay." I finally whisper to Reid, knowing he will want to hear it.

"Was this how it felt like when you found me?" I watch him as he doesn't tear his eyes from JJ, his eyes were wide with fear as large tears fell from his pale face.

"I thought you were going to die...." I admit, looking down at the floor in an attempt to avoid his eyes. Quickly glancing to see what is going on with JJ, wishing we got here in time, maybe she will be okay now. Maybe.

~ Rossi ~

I step back from the whole thing, knowing JJ and I aren't that close yet, and although I joined the team almost seven months ago, I have never spoken to her other than during a briefing. After her kidnap she pushed everyone away, and I had no chance of ever getting to know what an amazing woman I had a glance of in the first week of my time at the BAU. And now her she is, seven months after that first time, bleeding on her bathroom floor. And I can't help but wonder, will I ever get the chance to meet the amazing woman everyone seems to love so much?

~ Reid ~

I can feel my heart rate rise as I stare at her, this is what Morgan must have felt like when he found me, this is what it's like to find someone who wants to die. I shake my head, not wanting this to be true, this was just an accident, JJ doesn't want to die. I try to lie to myself, knowing that it's all a lie, JJ wanted to die, and now we were taking that away from her.

I can feel Morgan grab me as I try to walk in there, we both know me crying over her won't do either of us any good. I sigh as he tells me she will be okay, unsure whether to believe it or not.

"Will she be okay?" I ask after a while, looking at my best friend for a moment before turning back to JJ, the only woman I have ever loved.

"I think we got here in time." He nodded, glancing at Hotch before turning his attention back to me. I watch him as he nods towards Garcia and Emily, both of them seeing to JJ as best as they can.

"How did they know?" He asks me, confusion in his eyes,

"They're close, when they said something was wrong they just knew... when she didn't answer her phone, they panicked and I am glad they did.." I trail off, shaking my head, wondering what would happen if we had just left JJ alone for longer than we already have.

"I just knew something was wrong with you..." I nod,

"Love can be a strong thing, sometimes too strong." I answer as simply as I can,

"I don't love you man." I watch as he backs away from me, a grin on his face, but not reaching his eyes.

"I know, that's not what I meant, love can be different... friends can love each other..." I trail off, knowing he understands what I mean, not really wanting to see any humour in this situation as I stare at her,

"Should I tell her that I love her?" I finally ask him,

"You should, you may never get another chance..." I look up at Hotch, grateful for his honesty as he walks in between us and over to the girls. I know he is right, there may never be another chance, she may never want to hear it.

"Tell her, it may make her feel better." Morgan slightly pushes me towards the room, as I nod and walk over to her, I just want her to know that no matter what I will be here for her, through everything and anything as long as she wants me to be. I can feel my body shaking as I kneel down next to her, smiling as best as I can,

"I love you..." I finally feel the weight lift off my shoulders as I tell her, just wanting her to know if anything were to happen to her,

"I love you too." She whispers, lifting her hand up to gently touch my face, wiping away the tears from my face. I quickly grab her hand, not wanting to tear my eyes away from her just in case when I looked back she was gone. She is going to be okay, I tell myself, she is going to be fine. And for once I believe myself, JJ is going to be back to her normal self soon, now she knows we all love her, she will be okay again. I know that.


	9. Melinda

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds

"Oh, I need the darkness, the sweetness, the sadness, the weakness. I need this."

JJ could feel someone's hand on her still bleeding wrist, but she didn't open her eyes. She heard someone shout, but she refused to open her eyes. She smelt blood, a lot of blood, but she stopped herself from opening her eyes to see just how much blood there was. She could taste sick in her mouth, but no matter how much she knew she should, she didn't open her eyes.

JJ loved the darkness, she needed the darkness. They cared, she tried to remind herself, Reid loves you, she told herself, but she still couldn't bring herself to open her eyes. It was better this way, they would all be better off without you. She couldn't help but think of Melinda, will she be okay? Is she going to live? Is she going to be happy? Did she have any right to be happy if Melinda couldn't?

She could hear someone telling her to open her eyes, but she ignored them. Darkness was good, it matched her mood, the black was easy to get used to, she felt safe here. She felt a tear slip from her closed lids as she thought about Reid, his words replayed in her head and as much as she loved the darkness. She knew she would have to face it all one day, she knew that she would have to live through this, even if she didn't want to. Things can only get better, easier.

She slowly opened her eyes, adjusting to the sharp light above her as she moved her now bandaged wrist to cover her eyes. She couldn't stand the light sometimes, it hurt more than the darkness did, it hurt to be alive sometimes and the light only reminded her of the fact she was still here, it hurt to remind herself that she could open her eyes and Melinda couldn't.

"Hey." She turned her head to face Reid, smiling at the sight of him,

"Hi." She whispered back, reaching out for his hand as he stood up to lean over her.

"You're going to be okay." She nodded, looking away from him, biting her lip,

"What's wrong?"

"Melinda's not going to be okay though, I am fine, but what about her?" She looked down at her hand, tears falling down her face as she felt Reid's hand on top of hers,

"Give me a minute." He muttered, walking away to grab a nurse. She sighed as she saw him coming back with a wheelchair,

"What are we doing?"

"I need to show you something." He smiled at her, helping her into the wheelchair after much protest from her. He pushed her in silence to the children's ward, JJ knowing the familiar route she had been taking for so long now, never quite reaching it to the girls room.

"She woke up last night," Reid whispered as they stood outside the window where she could see the girl sitting up with her parents around her.

"Come on." She shook her head as he went to open the door,

"I can't face her, I can't face them.. I can't take their blame." It was his turn to shake his head, pushing open the door and smiling at the three people in there.

"Agent Jareau!" She looked up at the woman running towards her, her arms wide open as she grinned,

"I have wanted to speak to you for so long! Thank you for doing all that you could to save Melinda."

"You don't blame me?" She whispered, looking at the small girl sitting on the bed, grinning at the woman.

"Why would I? You did everything you could, more than anyone could ask you for. Your colleagues told me you blamed yourself, you shouldn't have, you should have come to see us sooner."

"I thought you hated me." She looked away, blushing as a tear rolled down her face, Reid put a hand on her shoulder as he smiled at the man across the room.

"Someone wants to say hello." Melinda grinned at JJ,

"Thank you Jenny, I know you did loads for me. As much as you could anyway, you saved me from much worse." JJ looked up at her shocked,

"You never should have been in here..."

"But I was and so were you for a while, but I remember it all. You did everything you could to protect me and it wasn't your fault that you couldn't stop this from happening, it was all that man's fault." JJ nodded, noticing the girl was a lot more mature than she had been the past six months,

"Thank you." She whispered, looking down at the floor.

"I should get JJ back to her room, the nurse told me she would shout at me if I had her for any longer than ten minutes. Thank you for talking to us, I am sure JJ will be around when she is allowed out of bed." JJ nodded, shocked as Melinda's mother wrapped her arms around her,

"Thank you, she is alive because of you and that is all I could have asked for." JJ nodded, glad that Melinda was now able to open her eyes and see the light. Glad that she was alive.

"Why aren't I allowed out of bed? It's just a wrist..." She muttered, rolling her eyes at stupid hospital rules,

"Because you're severely underweight, hence the tube sticking out of you right now." Reid gestured to the tube coming from her nose, leading up to the bag he held in his hands. She groaned,

"Great."

"You're being treated for anorexia above anything else." He sighed, stopping suddenly and turning the wheelchair around so she was looking at him,

"How could you let it get this far? How could you do this to yourself?" She shrugged,

"Why did you take drugs?" She raised an eyebrow,

"To stop the pain I guess,"

"Well then the same answer for your questions." She rolled her eyes,

"We all have different ways of dealing with things Reid, you know that. That was your way, this was mine. Both were stupid ideas, but we will both get through them." He nodded, knowing she would get through this. She had to.


	10. Epilogue

Disclaimer: I don't own Criminal Minds. I own a Criminal Minds hoodie though.

Next step.. the TV show.

~ Epilogue ~

"Memories fade into a sketchy past."

"Mummy, can we play with Melinda today?" The woman laughed at her four year old daughter, picking her up quickly,

"Melinda is a lot older than you baby, I am sure she doesn't want to play with you every day."

"She not loads older mummy." The little girl replied,

"She is fourteen honey, and you're four, big girls will only play with little girls sometimes." She grinned, shaking her head at her husband as he sat across from her on the table.

"Oh, but when she looks after us we play okay?" She smiled before climbing of her mums lap and running to her bedroom.

"She's so silly, she thinks Melinda is her best friend." Joey, their older boy said, shaking his head before looking down at the book he was reading.

"She's only four."

"Shame she couldn't inherit the intelligence everyone else seemed to." He muttered, rolling his eyes,

"Leave her alone Joey." The woman looked up at her husband, smiling as he kissed her gently on the lips,

"I love you."

"And our four terrible children?" She laughed, kissing him back, he nodded,

"Even them." Spencer looked down at his wife, putting his hand on her large stomach,

"Five soon." He muttered,

"A baby girl I think."

"Oh please, the way he kicks... it's a boy."

"I was a soccer champion, and this little girl is going to grow up to be just like her mummy." Spencer rolled his eyes,

"I think we need at least one jock in this family." Jennifer laughed at him,

"I don't mind, you're only saying that because Joey, Evie and Lee are already giving you a run for your money and before we know it little Rikki will be doing the same.

"Yeah dad, there is no need to be worried, we already kicked your butt a long time ago." Seven year old Joey said, still not looking up from his book and the five year old twins came running through into the living room.

"Mummy! Daddy! Look what we found." Evie grinned, holding out her hand to reveal a large worm, Spencer laughed as Jennifer shuddered and looked away.

"It's all slimy and muddy, isn't it great?" Lee opened up his hand to show his parents the large slug he had been holding.

"Yes...great." Jennifer muttered, resisting the urge to tell Spencer to make them take their slimy bugs back outside.

"How about we all go outside and mess around for a little while? Joey you need some sunlight, and I am sure Rikki wants to go in the pool. It's boiling outside." Spencer suggested, smiling as Joey finally put the book down for the first time since that morning.

"And we will put the slug and the worm back to where they belong?" He said to the little girl and boy in front of him, trying not to laugh at the disappointment on their faces as they slowly walked outside.

Jennifer, or JJ as she liked to be called, looked around at the garden when they walked out, smiling at the family they had made. She remembered the time that all of this came about, how he helped her out of the depression, how they finally managed to make it work between them and then every happy moment after that.

And she knew that no matter how bad things get, no matter how much you blame yourself for things that may or may not be your fault, things can only get better. And thanks to Doctor Spencer Reid, everything got better.


End file.
